While I'm waiting for the potatoes to get ready I'll just go ahead and finish this up. I'm going to have to make some cookies later and I'm not sure when I will have time for it otherwise.
Today I'm going to make another list of "what the fuc*k were you thinking?". This one will be an Emergency edition!
Since we all know that people are crazy, it's not a surprise to hear stories about different "accidents" that happen to people. And I bet it would be worth it to be a doctor just to see some of those idiots. Here are some accidents, you won't believe actually happened.
1. Nitroglycerin
One very determined man set about committing suicide. He swallowed copious amounts of vodka and a few nitroglycerin pills to boot. When he was questioned about the bruises all over his head, he told the attending doctor he was ramming his head against the wall to get the nitroglycerin to explode.
2. Chicken
A middle aged woman had been admitted to the A and E department complaining of abdominal pain. The doctors were hardly surprised when they pulled a whole chicken out, piece by piece, from her vagina. As she had been unable to have children she was hoping the chicken would turn into a baby.
3. Cat's toy
A 30 or so aged man was brought in the E.R. unconscious by his girlfriend. He had a few bruises on his head and some scratches on his scrotum. The doctors couldn't figure out what happened, but when the man woke up he offered an explanation. He said he was cleaning the bathtub while naked, and his cat apparently transfixed by the rhythmic swaying of his scrotum, lunged forward, sinking its claws into this pendulous target. This caused the man to rocket upward, striking his head on the top frame of the shower door.
4. The restaurant
A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
5. The tire iron
A patient went in the E.R. with this story: he threw a wrench at a ten year old girl, and she actually ducked, then hit him with a tire iron. Now I'm not sure why was he throwing wrenches around exactly, but the guy was actually 35 years old... I hope this will teach him not to mess with grade school thugs.
6. The statuette
A middle aged woman was treated in an ER somewhere in Southern England
with a statuette of Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson stuck up her vagina.
In her defense she claimed "she was dusting the pelmet with no knickers on,
slipped and fell onto the statuette which was on top of the piano."
7. The concrete
A 20 year old man came to casualty with a stony mass in his rectum. He
said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when
his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel.
The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general
anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed
along with a stray Ping-Pong ball.
8. The cell phone
Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma
center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog
drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have
dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the
dog and sat down right on the thing." The extraction took more than
three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had
opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire
episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really
seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his
phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us
rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect
to find an answering machine in there"
9. Spanish lesson
A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a
car in the ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in
the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell the woman
to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this
the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father
had to be restrained. What the doctor should have
been saying was "Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was
saying "Whore! Whore! Whore!"
10. The vacuum cleaner
A man was admitted to an emergency clinic with severe
bruising and lacerations on his penis and testicles, caused in an
accident involving a hand held vacuum cleaner. The man had been
vacuuming, wearing only a bathrobe, when he tripped, having been
distracted because his robe fell open. "It always does that," he
said. "I keep meaning to rig up some kind of tie for it, but I never
do. I guess I'll get around to it now."
He fell on the vacuum and the small beater bar of the device
caused enough damage to require fifteen stitches and an overnight
stay at the clinic.
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