You guessed it, I'm talking about the Bible.
So today I'm going to share with you guys some thing you probably didn't know about it.
Let us start!
1. Oh the horror!
I think there isn't any book out there that has more murder than the Bible, and this says something. We are all aware of it... and pretty much every other murder that was committed because of the existence of the religion. But how many of you know specific stories from the Bible that are probably more gruesome than any horror movie out there?
Now let's just pick a few stories like that one. In Esther 7:9-10, a guy gets impaled on a 22.86 meters (76 feet) high pole. This guy, was the Hitler of the old times, named Haman. He enjoyed killing Jews, but instead of starting a world war he managed to contain his obvious madness to "only" impalement. Ironically he died impaled himself. I'm not going to specify how impalement works, just in case someone is eating...
Okay, let's see another story.
I'm not exactly sure how many of you are aware of the fact that the Bible actually has this same thing mentioned twice in it. I'm talking about the "angry mob demanding gay sex from some guy, who heroically offers them a woman in exchange". In Judges 19:25-29 this happens and the mob actually takes the girl, who is also the lover of the guy, and gang-rapes her so badly, that she finally dies at the door to their house. Meanwhile the guy sleeps angelically inside, without any problems. The horror goes on, when in the morning when he discovers her body he decides it would be cool to cut her up in 12 parts and mail it to different parts of the country.
Oh... let's get to another one.
2 Chronicles 21:18-19. Look it up (And probably laugh your ass off).
Actually... let me quot it. "After all this, the Lord afflicted Jehoram with an incurable disease of the bowels. In the course of time, at the end of the second year, his bowels came out because of the disease, and he died in great pain."
After that, I'm just going to say God probably loves poop/fart jokes.
By the way, I hope you remember the scene in Friday the 13th, when Jason impales the randy teenagers while they are having sex? Well, it actually happened in the Bible too. In Numbers 25:6-8 two youngsters hook up in front of Moses. Some guy decides it's time for a little fun and impales them with a single... penetrative thrust? Is it horrible for me to add a double penetration joke here?
Oh as the last story (but I assure you there are a lot more), I'm going to add this one: "They were trampled in the wine press outside the city, and blood flowed out of the press, rising as high as the horses' bridles for a distance of 1,600 stadia."
Now let's analyze that a little bit. 1,600 stadia is about 180 miles, which in turn is 289.68192 kilometers. A horses' bridles is about 1.52400 meters (5 feet) high. Forgive me for not doing the maths of how many people you actually need to fill a 290 kilometer wide place with a 1.5 meters high blood-lake.
2. Things that AREN'T in it.
Okay so we all know that it's not specified that the forbidden fruit was apple. But let's see what else misconceptions we have.
When you see an angel, chances are you will recognize it, right? The human-looking entity, in a snow-white robe, with wings, and wither a sword or a harp? Yes? WRONG.
If you would encounter an angel the Bible actually describes you would probably shit yourself.
First off, there are more than one kind of angels in it. Not all of them have wings, and those that have (the seraphim) have SIX of them. They need to cover their whole body with them, cause otherwise you would spend the rest of your day in darkness. Yea... I meant that you would go blind. The thrones, another kind of angels are actually a bunch of wheels inside of other wheels, and which are all covered in eyes. I will assume that they can see. And let's not forget the cherubim. The ones you probably always pictured as little chubby kids with arrows and bows. Actually they have the monstrous head that in itself contains the head of an eagle, an ox, a lion and a man. All of them together.
Also, let's go a bit further. Satan. The red guy with horns and the pitchfork, maybe even an evil goatee from that would give you nightmares... WRONG again. Actually the Bible doesn't EVER describe Satan. Except in the part where he is the snake, but then again some people also think that the snake wasn't Satan at all. Satan is actually described like a disembodied voice. Kinda like God?
The Holy Grail. Some people depict it as a cup, others as a goblet, and again some others as a Holy Vagina (Dan Brown). Actually there is no mention of it in the Bible. It was first mentioned in the legend of King Arthur, and even then it took up the shape of a magic cauldron.
The Antichrist. I'm sure lots of you guys know of "him". Also, when this year it comes to voting you probably will keep an eye out for which of the actual candidates are less likely to be the antichrist. The Bible mentions the antichrist four times. each of them consists of: "Many deceivers, who do not acknowledge Jesus Christ as coming in the flesh, have gone out into the world. Any such person is the deceiver and the Antichrist." (2 John 1:7) So yes. Every single person who doesn't believe in Jesus is an antichrist. Imagine that.
Hell. When you mention hell you will probably imagine a place full with fire, and brimstone and torture, and suffering, and sinners, and all kinds of imps and demons. What we actually know of Hell is this: it sucks, and it has fire. That's it. It doesn't mention anything else, actually. Also, it doesn't say anywhere that Satan is the ruler of Hell. In fact there was a reason God cast the angels who sinned to Hell. Hell sucked even for them.
3. The Bible contradicts itself?
Of course it does! Since it wasn't written by one single person, it makes sense to have all kinds of different variations of a theme. Let's see about what, though...
First off there are more than one depictions about the creation. In the first chapter of Genesis God starts off with creating the whole universe and then going about his business of making the people... but exactly in the next chapter, that is the second chapter of Genesis it says he started the creation with a single human. In Psalm 104 God puts down the foundations of Earth...in the sea. Like a huge oil rig or something. In Psalm 74 he even slaughters some monsters! Like Leviathan and sea dragons and monstrous forces of chaos. In Proverbs 8 God has a cohort! HER name is Wisdom, and SHE says, she was there before creation. So which is it?
The story of Jesus. We all know it. The Bible actually has four (FOUR!) gospels that tell his story differently. This wouldn't be a problem if it would actually have only a few little differences. The problem is, tho, that they differ in quite important aspects, like who actually saw the empty tomb, and what happened to Judas.
4. Other little bits...
Quick, how many disciples did Jesus have? If you answered 12 you are incorrect. He had at least 82. Although, it is true, that the 12 were mentioned a lot more than the others, in Luke 9: 1-6 it says that Jesus sent out his 12 disciples to preach. Than in Luke 10 it is mentioned that Yeshua sent out 70 more disciples with the same instructions. 3 of these were even mentioned by name:
1. Joseph (called Barsabas and surnamed Justus) (Acts 1:23)
2. Matthias (chosen to replace Judas Iscariot in Acts 1:23-26)
3. Cleopas (Luke 24:18)
What religion did Abraham, Isaac and Jacob have? If you answered that they were Jews, you are technically incorrect. Abraham is the father of Isaac, and Isaac is the father of Jacob, who in turn is the father of Judah. Thus, they were not the descendants of him. They weren't technically Jewish...
How many heavens are there? Of course, there is only one, you might say. Actually the Bible mentions 3 heavens. The first one is the Sky, the second one is outer space and the third one is the one most Christians expect to go after they die: the spiritual place.
Who does God love? Why, everyone, of course (you might say)! No, actually there are places that specifically mention some people God HATES. Yes, you read that right.
- Jacob He loved but Esau He hated (Malachi 1:1-3)
- He hates those who love violence (Psalm 11:5)
- He loathed the generation that wandered in the wilderness for 40 years (Psalm 95:10)
- God hates a false witness and those who spread strife among brothers (Proverbs 6:17)
How many Christian holidays are there in the Bible? If you think about Christmas, Easter and Good Friday, you are again wrong. Christmas is never EVER mentioned in the Bible, and no ANY of the things that we celebrate it with are actually mentioned in it either. Not even the three wise men. This also goes along with Easter. There is no Easter. The thing you/we celebrate (death, burial, resurrection) on Easter is actually called Passover. Which comes from the word Pascah. Also there is never any mention of Good Thursday and Good Friday in the Bible. Actually, they think Jesus was crucified on a Wednesday or a Thursday, but the Friday thing NEVER came up.
Who will go to Heaven? You say only the good people? Wrong again! Let us see, what we actually know, based on the Bible. God is in Heaven. God sits on His Throne in Heaven. You will be Judged in front of His Throne. Thus... no judgement will be on Earth. Everyone will go to Heaven... :)
What's going in with His name? I actually read the part in the Bible that says: “And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness.” Notice the US, and the OUR in there? What the hell would this mean? Well, let's clear it up! The name of God comes from the word 'Elohiym'. Which, if translated correctly, actually means GODS. Plural form. Yes, there are multiple "gods". Don't be too surprised, here. Since the plural form didn't fit in, the translators fixed the problem by making it singular. The problem with this one was, that God is actually a family name. As if I would say "the King family". In fact, as you will notice, there are a lot of other entities besides God, one of which is of course Jesus, who is also His son, and also, there is a mention in the Bible, that (God )“hath in these last days spoken unto us by his Son, whom he hath appointed heir of all things, by whom also he made the worlds.” (Hebrews 1:2) Which means Jesus was a creator. Jesus was there when the God family created the world. (Hmm... now I'm starting to get the 'Wisdom' part). Also there is a mention somewhere that God was the God of Breasts. You probably haven’t heard that one before, but it’s biblical. The Hebrew is El Shaddai. Translators typically take shaddai, “two breasts,” figuratively as a reference to mountains and translate it “God Almighty.” Interestingly, this name is often used with reference to fertility, as in this blessing from Genesis: “May the God of Breasts bless you, make you fruitful, and multiply your numbers.”
Why didn't Jesus speak normally? You might say that he told all those parables so people would understand things better. Actually, this is false, again. "And when he was alone, they that were about him with the twelve asked of him the parable. And he said unto them, Unto you it is given to know the mystery of the kingdom of God: but unto them that are without, all these things are done in parables: That seeing they may see, and not perceive; and hearing they may hear, and not understand; lest at any time they should be converted, and their sins should be forgiven them. (Mark 4:10-12)
"And the disciples came, and said unto him, why do You speak unto them in parables? He answered and said unto them, Because it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it is not given. For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away even that he hath. Therefore speak I to them in parables: because they seeing see not; and hearing they hear not, neither do they understand. (Matt 13:10-13)
What does Jesus look like? Because the picture you all know so well... the thin, white man with the handsome face is NOT AT ALL what he looked like. In fact, he was actually accused multiple times to be a little glutton and maybe even a drunk. It is also mentioned in the Bible, that he had no form or comeliness (Beauty) so people would desire him. (Isaiah 53). So no, Jesus never looked like what you imagine, and especially, the one whose picture you probably had some time on your pocket. Remember the second commandment? You might be even worshiping Satan at the moment... or maybe a model from the middle ages.
And now, last but not least the Bible is not a book. It is true, that Bible means "the book", but in fact this came from a mistranslation from the Greek name "Ta Biblia", which means "the books". The Bible is a collection of history, stories, songs, poetry, rituals, and even erotica.
Also, there are a lot of different versions of the Bible. Jewish Bibles, Protestant Bibles, Catholic Bibles, and Orthodox Bibles have different contents. And behind each of those translations are hundreds of ancient manuscripts in many different languages. The Bible is not a book, let alone The Book. Saint Jerome, a Latin translator, had another name for it: bibliotheca, or “library.” That just may be the best way to think of it.
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