...want to share with you guys today are a couple of client to seller conversations.

Now, you have to know that I'm not a computer genius or anything - hell if you would ask me what kind of hardware I have  I would probably not be able to respond. But some of these are actually really funny. 

They are from a site named "Clients from Hell", so if you like these you might want to click on that link. 

So let's start! 

1. ME: “Okay, so here are some rough concepts I’ve worked up. Once you’ve -“
Client (interrupting): “What the hell am I looking at? These look like scribbles my five-year-old could do.”
ME: “Oh, they’re just roughs to get the concept figured out, once we have that done I’ll begin work on the finished piece.”
CLIENT: “How am I supposed to decide which illustration I like if I can’t see them all finished. Finish them and then I’ll decide which one to use.”
ME: “Well, I can certainly do that, but just so you’re aware, I will have to raise my fees to cover the cost of bringing each of these concepts to a finish.”
CLIENT: “Who do you think you are to make demands?! I’m the client, I get to make the demands! It’s not like this is a real job anyway, all you’re doing is drawing.”

2. Client: We need to use WeirdoFont on our website.
Me: That’s not possible, the font is not a common web font.
Client: Nothing is impossible! It’s just a question of time and money.
Me: Well, OK, I’ll travel around the world and install the font on all internet-connected computers, if you can get the copyright clearance for the font.
Client: That’s more like it! You’ll be ready for the launch next month?

3. Client: I love the headline but can’t you make it more….punchy.
Me: I don’t think it’s going to get more punchy than ‘We Buy Gold’.
Client: I want more with less!
Me: ‘Sell Gold’
Client: No, I absolutely hate that. The last one was better, just make it punchy. I want it to pop off the page.
Me: ‘We Buy Gold’
Client: There we go, wasn’t so hard! It’s just missing something, can you make it more glamorous? The last thing we want is people to think we’re low quality.
Me: ‘We Buy Gold’
Client: Perfection!

4. Whilst conducting a training session with a client on a new piece of software, I came across a trainee who couldn’t get past the welcome screen. The screen prompt read, “Would you like to continue to the login page?”. I asked if she wanted to continue to the login screen to which she replied “yes”. So I instructed her to “…just say ‘yes’ then”.
The trainee then proceeded to lean towards the monitor and in a very determined tone, literally said, “YES.”

5. CLIENT: “Whats your fees to do this template?”
ME: “$40 per hour.”
CLIENT: “Thats steep. How do I know you won’t bill me for extra hours.”
ME: “If you want to be sure you can come and watch.”
CLIENT: “No wiseguy, give me a call whenever you start working on it and whenever you take breaks. I will keep count of the hours.”

6. Client: We love our new building and we thought it would be great to have pictures of it in all four seasons from the exact same angle.
Photographer: That sounds like a really cool project.
Client: Great! So what are the chances having those ready for our convention next month?

7. "Here, I really like Apple’s logo, so I’ve taken their logo and put our name under it."

8. I work at a cruise ship company.
CLIENT:  Do you have any rooms with underwater balconies available?
ME: I’m sorry?
CLIENT:  You must be new… Can I speak to someone that knows what they are talking about?

9. CLIENT: “So, the website is fine and all, but this ad in the side bar is disturbing. The image really draws attention away from the site’s content, in an ugly way.”

ME: “It uses Google AdSense— What’s disturbing about it?”

CLIENT: “There’s a naked lady asking me if I’d like to be in contact with home-alone housewives in my neighborhood.”

ME: “Sir, Google uses your search behaviour to adjust ads to you.”

CLIENT: “…That’s some sick way to work.”

10. ME: The problem appears to be your anti-spam
CLIENT: I don’t have one of those.
ME: I’m certain you do.
CLIENT: No, I have an Auntie Lorraine.

11. Me: “How can I help you today, ma’am?”
Client: “Is e-mail internet”?

Me: “I beg your pardon?”

Client: “Is e-mail on the internet? I have no internet, can I still read my e-mail?”

Me: “Well yes, you must be able to get online to view your e-mail.”

Client: “Oh, dear. I can’t see my e-mail.”

Me: “Well, let’s see. Can you open up Internet Explorer for me and tell me what you see?”

Client: “Open what?”

Me: “Your browser, can you open up your browser?”

Client: “My…my…?”

Me: “What you click on when you want to browse the internet?”

Client: “I don’t use anything, I just turn my computer on, and it’s there.”

Me: “Okay. Do you see the little blue ‘e’ icon on your desktop?”

Client: “You mean I have to start writing letters again?”

Me: “I’m…what, I’m sorry?”

Client: “I don’t have any pens at my desk. I just want my e-mail again.”

Me: “No, ma’am, your desktop, on your computer screen. Can you click on the little blue ‘e’ on your computer screen for me?”

Client: “Oh, this is too much work. I’m too upset. Just send me my e-mail. Can’t you send me my e-mail?”

Me: “We…okay, ma’am. Can you tell me what color the lights are on your router right now?”

Client: “My what?”

Me: “The little box with green or possibly a couple of red lights on it right now - it’s most likely near your computer?”
Client: “Lights and boxes, boxes and lights, just get my e-mail for me.

Me: “My test is showing that you should be able to get online right now. Can you tell me what you’re seeing on your computer screen?”

Client: “It’s been the same thing for the last two hours.”

Me: “An error message?”

Client: “No, just stars. It’s black and moving stars.”

Me: “…Do you see your mouse next to your keyboard?”

Client: “Yes.”
Me: “Move it for me.”

Client: “Move it?”

Me: “Yes. Move it.”

Client: “My e-mail!”

12. ME: “Hello, how can I direct your call?”
CLIENT: “Why are you tracking me?”

ME: “Pardon me?”

CLIENT: “I got an email from someone at your company saying you’re tracking me.”

ME: “We provide GPS tracking services. Are you a current customer?”

CLIENT: “No, I ain’t a customer. My Name is Rick —.”

ME: “Thank you, Rick. I just looked you up in our system and it appears you requested information from us about GPS tracking for your business.”

CLIENT: “I don’t want you tracking me.”

ME: “Sir, we are not tracking you. You must have found us through Google and filled out a form. Our salesperson was just following up.”

CLIENT: “What’s Google?”

ME: “Sir, are you interested in GPS tracking for your vehicles?”

CLIENT: “Not if you’re going to track me.”

ME: “No, sir, you would be tracking your own vehicles.”

CLIENT: “Why? I know where I am.”

13. "See if we can get the domain name ‘foogle.com’, that way we get all the people who misspell google. If that’s taken, try tahoo, gacebook or qwitter"

14. I was working on a billboard for a new client. He sent me a a 400-word document outlining all the products, prices, and discounts he offers.
ME: ”You do realize people need to read this while driving? You can’t have more than maybe 10-15 words on it.”
CLIENT: ”Don’t worry about that! Just put some big pictures on it - people’ll want to stop to read it all”
ME: ”So you want me to cram the billboard with big pictures and all that text so people will stop their car in the middle of a busy boulevard to read your billboard?”
CLIENT: ”Sure! Don’t worry about it! A little traffic never hurt anyone”

15. ME: ”When you click on the button it takes you to the Paypal donation page that you set up.”
Client: “What do you mean? I don’t want the donate button to do this, I want it to automatically charge their card. These are seniors they won’t understand this if I don’t. You can’t have them type stuff in.”
Me: “But you wanted to go with Paypal because you couldn’t afford a secured shopping cart website. Either way, at some point they will have to type in their information.”
CLIENT: ”Can’t you just take their credit card information without them knowing? That way they won’t get confused.”